Boundaries, Part 2
Boundaries, what are they? Part 2
“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”
Anais Nin
This quote speaks of the way we all interact with ourselves, with others, and in the world. We are going to speak of those people who we have intimate relationships with; our partners, our parents, our siblings, our children, and our closest friends. Boundaries also apply to workplace situations but I am going to speak more to intimate relationships. Take time to think about what works for you in these relationships. What feelings do you generate in terms of the other person? Also, take time to think about those conversations or behaviors in others toward you that make you uncomfortable. These are all clues to what your boundary statements need to be. Are you uncomfortable with hugging or do you like to hug? Are you more comfortable with some people hugging you than others? Do large crowds feel like fun and excitement, or do you dread them? How about different expressions of anger?
Most of us carry the difficulties of our pasts with us housed in our emotions and body. If I broke my right foot, I might ask that my friend walk on my left because I’m terrified of the pain of them accidentally hitting my right foot. The same approach is true with setting boundaries. First, we learn what we need in terms of boundaries, then we convey that information to those close to us, then we ask that they respect our requests about our boundaries. The setting and asking others to respect our boundaries is not something that is either right or wrong. It is simply information about me and a request that this information be respected. If the other person responds that they don’t think they can respect this boundary or tries to make us wrong, then we have the information we need to decide what we need to do with this relationship going forward.
A personal boundary system protects and contains a person during intimate contact. When an individual protects themself, they keep from being a victim, which is an act of self-esteem. When one contains oneself, they keep from being offensive, which is respectful to the person with whom they are being intimate. Personal boundaries also enable an individual to identify who they are (i.e., what their opinions are, what their values are).
Functional intimacy occurs when one receives the reality of another or expresses their reality without being too vulnerable or invulnerable. When an individual has no boundaries, they will be offensive in expression of self and be too vulnerable when receiving the reality of another. When there is a wall for a boundary system, it prevents meaningful intimate exchange and makes the person invulnerable.
Intimacy requires a level of vulnerability, openness, and honesty.
There are two components to a personal boundary system, the external boundary and the internal boundary. The external boundary protects and contains the body and is used in physical distance. The internal boundary protects and contains the thoughts and emotions and is used during intellectual/emotional intimacy.
The external boundaries exist when either one of the external boundary statements is active. For example, when someone asks you if they can hug you, you think about whether you want a hug from them before answering; or when you want to give someone a hug, you get permission to hug them before you do so.
The internal boundary is operational when either the listening or the talking boundary is activated. You activate the talking boundary whenever you speak and consciously follow specific guidelines as you speak. You activate the listening boundary whenever you are listening to another person talking; as you listen, you follow certain guidelines.
Next week, we will set up specific guidelines and dialog on setting and receiving boundary statements. All of this work is done with caring and respect. Never attempt to set a boundary when you are angry or upset.