Boundaries - Part 1
Boundaries – Personal, societal, special groups, and Legal
The subject of boundaries is a massive topic. I want to briefly mention the societal, ethnic groups, and laws. The main thing I want to address is personal boundaries.
In our society, we have agreed upon rules of boundaries which are usually, although not always, kept. The rules tend to be fluid. There was a time when it was okay for teachers to spank or strike pupils with a ruler or switch. Those rules have changed. We still have both laws and rules about not hitting another person. Those laws didn’t extend to domestic violence or abuse as they do today. What we describe as child abuse or neglect today used to be practiced in many American homes. Different rules about touch apply in different religions and ethnic groups. We used to have rules about public politeness that have seemed to change and many of us are struggling with this.
Personal boundaries are begun as infants. In the closeness with the caregivers, the infant experiences their needs being taken care of some or most of the time. There is no division at this time. The infant reaches out, the caregivers respond, and, in a way, a boundary is satisfied; “you are there when I call.” As the child grows and possibly has siblings, personal and physical boundaries begin to be established, often along the lines the parents grew up experiencing. Siblings often violate one another’s personal space but begin to establish their own boundaries. Living with frequent boundary violations such as not being allowed privacy, having a caregiver with angry outbursts, and hitting a child, smothering physically when the child asks the caregiver to stop, etc., creates confusion in the child concerning their personal rights to having a boundary both physically and emotionally.
For these reasons, boundaries are both personal and individual. What may offend one person would have no impact on another. This means that before we can establish our personal boundaries with those closest to us, we need to become intimately acquainted with ourselves. We can’t let those closest to us know what is okay and what is a boundary violation until we understand what our boundaries are. I have often heard people say, in angry voices; “that person just totally violated my boundary.” There is often a great misunderstanding that all people have the same values around their boundaries. This is never true. We are responsible for letting people know what is important in interacting with us. Some people are huggers and never stop to think if they are invading another person’s boundary by spontaneously hugging them without permission.
The boundaries we are going to discuss are personal emotional, physical, and sexual boundaries. Respect for another’s stated boundary increases the intimacy between people, it increases the trust and safety. Trust and safety are critical to attachment with others.
I’m a cautious toucher. I like touching people I’m close to. I have to be very mindful of this with my grandson as I constantly want to grab him and hug him, swoop him up and kiss his sweet cheek. He is 10 and I need to respect his personal space. I also pay attention to his signals of when he is open to a hug. There is nothing wrong in asking for permission either. In respecting his boundaries, I’m helping him learn that he is the one in charge of what others may or may not do with him physically. When I was studying child development, we were told to go to a kindergarten class for a day and just observe while making notes. We were not to intervene unless safety was at stake. Watching the differences in these 4- and 5-year-old children was very instructive and allowed us to see whole family systems in each child. No two children were the same in their interactions.
Next week, we will discuss boundaries with our intimate partners and close family members. Here is the definition we will be using: A system of limit setting that protects a person from being a victim and also contains a person so that they are not offensive to others.
The purpose of this is to contain and protect a person’s reality during intimacy and to establish identity.