Email response on Family and Caring for an Elder Loved One

Email response on Family and caring for a parent

Kimberly wrote to the Family Dance and indicated it was okay to share as she believes others have similar problems.  I agree and am printing it here with my response. 

Question for Kat: My father is approaching 80 and declining in both health and a will to live. He is also widowed, so often is alone although I stop by daily to provide care and feed him.
Our family is very fragmented with very little communication among us siblings although we all live in the area.
My question is, how do I prepare myself for the eventual passing away of my father? Emotionally and for the pain that exists among us siblings.

Privacy Option: I am comfortable with you sharing my question/answer in your "Family Dance" Blog with your followers! I know others may benefit from my asking. Thank you!

Hi Kimberly,  Thanks for this email.  It is a problem most of us will have in our lives.  Losing the people we love, an aging parent, sibling, close friend, and worst of all, a child are a sad fact of our lives.  Many people in their 40-60’s are facing the declining health, mental and physical, of parents.  These same people are also often moms and dads with jobs/professions, so this adds a special layer of difficulty not seen in previous generations.   You asked several questions; I will attempt to answer them in order. 

1.    You mention that your dad is often alone and sounds depressed.  Your solution has been to stop by daily to offer food, support, and care.  It can be a benefit for your father to see others and important for you to have a break from daily responsibilities.  Meals on Wheels is a terrific organization that offers company as well as meals.  You can find more information on mealsonwheelsamerica.org.  I would also encourage you to look at the senior centers near your dad and see what programs are available.  They often also have special busses that pick-up seniors and bring them to day programs.  Being around other people is a really good way to help with isolation and depression as well as stimulate the brain.

2.    You also mention that your family is fragmented.  Having no idea of what that means, I suggest that you text, call, or email them to describe what you are seeing in their father, what steps you are taking, and ask if they would like to be involved in some way.  It is a beginning.  You can also mention this blog as a starting point.

3.    As to how to prepare yourself for his eventual passing, this is a very personal journey.  It is lovely that you have this loving relationship with your father.  Unfinished, unstated love is often what people regret along with their grief.  This is a time for you to reflect on your personal beliefs on death.  You can spend time with a spiritual advisor or counselor which might help.  A good reference to explore is hospicefoundation.org.  In addition to great services, they have good information.  Sometimes knowing where to turn is a great comfort.  Every person works with grief in different and individual ways.  How you learn and approach his passing will eventually help you when you reach this transition for yourself.  I wish you well in this journey and I thank you for writing.