Thanksgiving and Families
Family, Friends, and Love
"When all the dust is settled and all the crowds are gone, the things that matter are faith, family, and friends." Barbara Bush
This is the season when we begin to gather with loved ones. We house many emotions; anxiety, nostalgia, happiness, a bit of fear, dread, anticipation, and love. So many people had trials and difficulties, some leading to trauma. Each person hides these emotions in different disguises. For example, anger is the outward expression of a fearful person. It is difficult to understand that the outward expression often hides a very different person behind that shield. So, our best approach with one another is acceptance, love (when truly felt), patience, and curiosity. If curiosity sounds out of place, think of how little you know of the inner workings of another. We often look an other’s behavior and make judgments. The judgments are actually our shields. We want to judge and dismiss so we don’t have to take the time to understand. The best approach is always kindness tempered with attention to one’s own necessary boundaries. It is important to remain true to yourself, which means knowing yourself. Everyone has a different idea of “right,” and “wrong.” It is useful to avoid these judgmental stands. When you are with others who tend to lecture on what they believe is right and wrong, the best suggestion is, change the subject. Don’t fall into the “clear the air” discussion, suggest instead that everyone start from now and go forward, except for endearing stories about the children or pets. Bring up movies you liked or want to see, books you enjoyed, a trip you would like to take. Create new memories while you go for a walk, play a game, watch a funny video.
If you have a loved one who talks about things you find offensive, speak up in a kindly manner such as, “I’m sorry to interrupt, Aunt Alice, but this is a conversation that is distressing and unpleasant for me. I’ll go help with dinner,” and exit the room.
Families all have diverse members with diverse ideas of God, politics, sex, family, etc. The key is in the distraction from the hot topics.
The best approach of all is curiosity, asking questions. “Aunt Alice, I love that dress, where did you get it?” Ask about vacations folks have taken, places people would like to visit. If you find yourself unable to find the quiet, respectful person inside you, go for a short walk, go to a quiet place (I find the bathroom a great place to reset emotionally), and rejoin when you feel ready.
We are unique as individuals, but we are also incredibly alike.
If you are with family, one of the most fun activities is to build a family tree. With older relatives present, they can often fill in some of the blank places in the tree. Whenever possible, add words next to relatives such as “served in WW II, emigrated in 1840 (before the civil war, think of the confusion they felt), was in the holocaust, lost two babies, divorced twice, had depression, had an alcohol problem, (or liked their drink), died in childbirth at 28, etc.” This gives the family not only a fun activity they can do together but gives everyone a history of what went into making each person who they are today.
Enjoy your family. You come from the same roots, but above the roots, the tree has many branches, and each individual is a different branch with very different ideas and experiences.
Above all practice kindness as much as possible.
Have a lovely a Thanksgiving as you can. We are so blessed in this beautiful country.